Telescope Play

I recently entered a competition to create a ten minute play for Cast Iron Theatre in Brighton. Whilst I didn't win, I did make their shortlist which is a victory of sorts.

I thought I would share the play with you all as it won't be performed now.

I hope you all enjoy it.

Telescope

Play opens with two men stood side by side looking out into the audience.

Backdrop is blue skies over silhouettes of trees in the distance.

Sidney is the elder man, Dean the younger. They are dressed in matching overalls.

It is daytime. Seagulls sound overhead.

Between them is a telescope. One that you’d find on a promenade.

S: “It can’t be.”

D: “It bloody is.”

S: “Nah.”

D: “I’m telling you, it is.”

S peers back through the telescope

S: “It can’t be. Can it? Would we really be able to see it from here?”

D: “Well what else would it be?”

S: “I guess. I just assumed it would be off the map now somehow. I mean, it’s not like you ever even hear about it anymore. I remember my Dad talking about us going there when we were little, but I figured it was far away. You know, like really far away. That looks like I could swim there!”

D: “I’m sure people did used to swim there. You know, back in the day like.”

S: “Really? And they didn’t drown or anything?”

D: “No, I don’t think so. Maybe they did. I don’t know. Maybe that was it, maybe all those refugees died trying to swim here.”

S: “What refugees?”

Dean moves Sidney aside and peers through the telescope

D: “Mmm… I can’t really remember. Something about thousands of refugees trying to swim here to invade us. Years ago.”

S: “Sounds about right. That’s probably why we left Europe in the first place.”

Seagulls sound overhead while the men look off into the distance.

Pause

S: “France though. Who would’ve thought it? You wait till I tell Mam.”

D: “You can’t tell Mam.”

S: “Why not? It’s exciting.”

D: “She’ll flip her lid. She hates the French.”

S: “Does she? I never knew that.”

D: “Yeah. You must’ve heard her talking about Uncle Vince?”

S: “Who?”

D: “Uncle Vince. I doubt you would’ve met him. If you did, it was when you were tiny.”

S: “I’ve never even heard of him.”

D: “No, Mam never speaks about it. He wasn’t really our uncle, I suppose he was just a friend of the family or something. She used to talk about him. She used to go mental about it. He got stuck over there didn’t he? Years ago, when they first shut the borders.”

S: “Really? In France?”

D: “No, he was over in Spain, but as soon as the border to France shut, all the other countries did the same. Mam never saw him again.”

S: “Why was he was in Spain?”

D: “Well, back then Spain was like mini-Britain. You could just go there and live with all the other British people. You could get fish and chips to eat in the restaurants, they had all the British TV on out there, you didn’t even have to speak Spanish, all the Spaniards spoke English. They loved it. It’s probably a wasteland now.”

S: “So Uncle Vince just stayed there did he? Mam never heard from him?”

D: “I suppose so. I guess they could’ve spoken over the phone or internet while it was still going. As far as I know, he just disappeared. She never spoke to him again.”

S: “Man, that’s harsh. No wonder she hates the French.”

Pause

S: “I wonder if Spain is still like that?”

D: “I doubt it, it’s probably been taken over by ETA or someone.”

S: “What’s ETA?”

D: “ETA? Oh, they were a group of terrorists who used to blow people up out in Spain years ago. Probably still do to be fair. If they’re in charge, then Spain is definitely screwed."

The men stand in silence just looking out into the audience (the sea)

Seagulls sound

S: “God, can you even imagine that? Things just getting blown up around you randomly. Buses, cars, buildings even. Just got to thank our lucky stars we’re strong over here.”

D: “Aye, and stable too. I vaguely remember they had a shooting over there in Paris. Years ago now. It was in a theatre or a newspaper office or somewhere. Anyway, I remember it coming on the news and Mam dancing around saying how it would teach them a lesson. Boy she hated the French. I remember her dancing around in circles in our living room. Twirling around with glee she was. I still feel the same now, looking back at it. I thought it was really ugly. How she could jump around and dance for joy at someone else being killed? It wasn’t even as if they’d been fighting. It was one of those classic bombings where it goes off randomly somewhere that’s always crowded. I thought it sounded cowardly blowing up perfectly innocent people like that, but there was Mam, dancing around the rug, everyone else stunned. Of course, I realised later she had her own reasons to celebration. I just didn’t understand was all. I still loved her just the same.”

S takes over telescope duties

D: “Plus, you do know they don’t let their kids go to school in Europe, right?”

S: “What?”

D: “Yeah, that’s one of the reasons we voted to leave. They decided people could just teach their kids at home instead of in school. Imagine that? Loads of kids just running around wild. Think they had loads of riots about it.”

S: “Damn. They must be thick as shit then right?”

D: “Must be. I bet the Germans still make their kids go to school though. You know it was their plan all along, don’t you?”

S: “The Germans?”

S switches places with D on the telescope

D: “Yeah. It was their plan to take over Europe the whole time. They had a couple of wars over it to start with, but when that didn’t work, they changed tactics. Softly softly, catchy monkey. They used freedom to take over Europe in the end. They told them schools made everyone conformist and limited. They said they’d do away with schools and normal working hours and all that. Said they’d get robots to do all the hard work. That they would all be free. In the end, people just handed over their power to them.”

S: “Shit…”

D: “Yeah, well. The Germans were still pissed about losing the war. Once they got Europe to join together its currency and drop the borders, I guess they figured most of their work had been done for them. All they had to do was make sure they were driving the whole project and the rest was easy, just a matter of manipulation.”

Seagulls sound overhead as they look out to sea

S: “Do you think there’s sharks in there?”

D: “Oh yeah, for sure. All kinds of beasts in there since the climate started changing. Who knows what? I know I wouldn’t be going swimming in there any time soon.”

S: “Yeah. Sucks though.”

D: “What d’you mean? You want to go swimming in it?”

S: “I think I would, yeah. I’ve never been swimming before. I’d probably drown, but it’s a strange thing to think of now; that I’ve never ever swum in the sea.”

D: “Ah, you’ve swum before. We used to take you down the swimming baths when you were a baby.”

S: “Did you?”

D: “We did. You used to have these orange armbands on to help you float, as well as an inflatable ring. Even if you had been able to swim, you were shit out of luck, you were going nowhere with all that crap on you.”

S: “Huh. Weird. I can’t remember that at all. I wish I could swim now. I’d dive right in, from all the way up here. Just dive like one of those gulls, straight down like an arrow, into the water. I wouldn’t even make a splash.”

D: “Not me. Screw that. You’d be dinner for something as soon as you hit the water. No thanks.”

S: “Do you think I could make it all the way across?”

D: “No! Not a chance. I’m telling you, you’d be eaten straight away.”

S: “Yeah, but what if there was nothing to eat me, do you think I could swim all that way?”

D: “I think I’d have to dig out your armbands and your rubber ring.”

The two men share a chuckle together exchanging glances before staring back out at the audience

D: “You know it used to be closer, don’t you?”

S: “What? France?”

D: “Yeah. At least half a mile closer. When we left, we drifted away from the mainland. They used to have a tunnel that went over there too.”

S: “Did they? A tunnel?”

D: “Oh yeah. It was under the water. When we left, the French kept the tunnel and we just shut it off our end. I assume it was made of glass because I’m sure you could look at the fishes as you went. You could just walk through, back and fore. Nobody even looked twice at you. They even let people from the third world in. Didn’t bat an eyelid.”

S: “Shut up.”

D: “I swear on Mam’s life. Anyone was allowed. Not even allowed. They just didn’t check at all. It was just like walking to a different town.”

S: “Anyone could just come and go?”

D: “Anyone. It was all open. They might as well have put a sign up saying welcome all terrorists and Nazi’s.”

S: “Shit. No wonder we voted to leave.”

D: “Yep. Best off out of it. We’re lucky really. At least we’ve still got jobs eh?”

S: “Yeah. Speaking of jobs, we’d best go back to the camp I suppose. Although, if I’m honest, I don’t really like work. Do you?”

D: “Ah, gotta work boy. Work sets you free.”

***